Streets of Hilarity!

Following my article earlier in the week looking back upon the Sega fuelled existance that was my childhood, I decided to write a few notes about the things that always amused me about one game in particular, and by game I mean franchise, because each game was as funny as the last. I'm talking of course about the epic win that is "Streets of Rage"!

Not for the feint of heart, Streets of Rage tells the story of a bunch of (more or less) vigilante's who decide to take it upon themselves to hunt down and destroy an entire band of criminals one by one by fucking one. And that is where the hilarity begins. Not only are we to believe that these three punks are capable of taking down organised crime with their bare hands, but we also discover that the characters in question are supposed to be teenagers. So essentially, it's a glorified video game of "Home Alone" with the gore amped way up.

More chortles are on offer in the form of phone booths that (once smashed to shit) offer goodies such as:

a piece of broken glass and other stabbing implements

a lead pipe

a beer bottle

or my personal favourite, edible goodies in the form of large apples or the occasional fully rolled and boned turkey.

And then I was all like "POW, LEAD PIPE TO THE FACE!"

The knives are the best, because not only do you look ridiculous when carrying them, but they also make this unmerciful sound like someone being battered with a plank of wood when you stab the bad guys. Not only that, but the characters who are knifed, leap back with a great deal of theatrics (a la professional wrestling) upon being attacked. And as if all of this weren't brilliant enough, when the bad guys get their hands on a knife, woe betide anyone who stands in their way...literally. They don't so much thrust the knife forward in a traditional stabbing motion, as much as walk forward holding said knife in front of them in the hopes that someone walks directly into their path. It's genius!

Another priceless little feature is the recurring characters. For example, you may encounter the same poor bastard about eight or nine times betwix the beginning and end of any one level. It really makes you admire one's persinstance. For example, you may beat the scuttering shit out of "Donovan" or "Slag" and leave him laying on his back, only for him to get back up, dust himself off, and attempt to attack you again about thirty seconds later...In fact, it is not uncommon for two or even three Donovan's to appear on screen together at once.

the many faces of Donovan

Another classic bit of comedy is the fact that when the going gets tough, you have a direct line to the fuzz who show up in a car (keeping a safe distance, mind) and fuck shit up with a bazooka. They absolutely nuke the scene and destroy whichever bad guys are causing you distress, unless of course it's a boss, in which case they cause him a minor inconvenience and then he continues to pound the shit out of you in an even more visceral manner than before.

VROOOOOM! Nice approach!

Aim could use some work...look, you even missed Slag and he's lying down.

The thing that I love the most is the fact that, if these teenagers have a direct line to the cops, then that means the police clearly know what they're up to...and obviously in no way disapprove... In fact it looks as though they're happy to let the stupid little bastards do the hard work for them. Classic, classic, classic.