I was looking at the television guide the other day out of sheer morbid curiosity, just to satisfy myself that I had made the right decision in stopping myself from watching any of the current serials that air in syndication around the world. The last television programme that I watched from start to finish was Boston Legal (2004 - 2008). It's so hard to commit to anything on television these days what with the likes of the buttfuckery of Glee, Desperate Housewives and The Big Bang Theory dominating the airwaves...and don't even get me started on the likes of 90210 or that pseudo-reality television shite "Jersey Shore".
Gone are the days of quirky television...where shows didn't necessarily have to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society. Where are the Frasier's, and the Denny Crane's of today's television? There are simply NO iconic characters out there at the moment, and with that being the case, what's the point in watching?
Occasionally looking through your tv guide, or even just by watching tv itself and noticing how bad it has become, your mind often wanders to the days when television used to excite you. Your mind is cast back to memories of shows that you thought you had forgotten. Shows that you would beg, borrow and steal to see back on the air just as an alternative to the contemporary shit that we are now force fed 24/7.
Admittedly, I had a soft spot for those early 90's teen angst drama's like the original 90210 or Party of Five (did nay really care for the likes of Dawson's Creek though), but just yesterday I was reminded of a show that was a little bit quirky, if not completely ridiculous (but it was the good kind of ridiculous). T'was a little program called "Early Edition"...you don't remember it you say? Allow me to summarise...
I can't really remember the specifics of certain episodes, but I do vividly remember watching this poor bastard risk life and limb in order to stop your run of the mill disasters from occuring. You know, piano's falling out of windows onto inoccent passers by, the odd train crash and fire, the usual like. It always astounded me that the character of Gary never really attempted to manipulate that whole "getting tomorrow's paper today" thing and use it to his advantage. He was a stock broker by trade...he could have cleaned up if he really wanted to...even if he treated himself and did the lottery once you'd think that'd be a just reward for going out of your way to save the lives of hundreds of complete and utter strangers. I know one guy who wouldn't be quite so selfless.
Give me a sports almanac any day of the week
This show makes you wonder what exactly you would do if you were in Hobson's position. You know full well what you'd do don't you? You'd milk it for everything it was worth and then donate the odd portion to charity just to quench your guilt. In fact, if I'm honest, I'd probably even try and sell that fucking cat that always used to show up with the paper for no apparent reason. Extra few quid in the pocket. Nice!
Following my article earlier in the week looking back upon the Sega fuelled existance that was my childhood, I decided to write a few notes about the things that always amused me about one game in particular, and by game I mean franchise, because each game was as funny as the last. I'm talking of course about the epic win that is "Streets of Rage"!
Not for the feint of heart, Streets of Rage tells the story of a bunch of (more or less) vigilante's who decide to take it upon themselves to hunt down and destroy an entire band of criminals one by one by fucking one. And that is where the hilarity begins. Not only are we to believe that these three punks are capable of taking down organised crime with their bare hands, but we also discover that the characters in question are supposed to be teenagers. So essentially, it's a glorified video game of "Home Alone" with the gore amped way up.
More chortles are on offer in the form of phone booths that (once smashed to shit) offer goodies such as:
a piece of broken glass and other stabbing implements
a lead pipe
a beer bottle
or my personal favourite, edible goodies in the form of large apples or the occasional fully rolled and boned turkey.
And then I was all like "POW, LEAD PIPE TO THE FACE!"
The knives are the best, because not only do you look ridiculous when carrying them, but they also make this unmerciful sound like someone being battered with a plank of wood when you stab the bad guys. Not only that, but the characters who are knifed, leap back with a great deal of theatrics (a la professional wrestling) upon being attacked. And as if all of this weren't brilliant enough, when the bad guys get their hands on a knife, woe betide anyone who stands in their way...literally. They don't so much thrust the knife forward in a traditional stabbing motion, as much as walk forward holding said knife in front of them in the hopes that someone walks directly into their path. It's genius!
Another priceless little feature is the recurring characters. For example, you may encounter the same poor bastard about eight or nine times betwix the beginning and end of any one level. It really makes you admire one's persinstance. For example, you may beat the scuttering shit out of "Donovan" or "Slag" and leave him laying on his back, only for him to get back up, dust himself off, and attempt to attack you again about thirty seconds later...In fact, it is not uncommon for two or even three Donovan's to appear on screen together at once.
the many faces of Donovan
Another classic bit of comedy is the fact that when the going gets tough, you have a direct line to the fuzz who show up in a car (keeping a safe distance, mind) and fuck shit up with a bazooka. They absolutely nuke the scene and destroy whichever bad guys are causing you distress, unless of course it's a boss, in which case they cause him a minor inconvenience and then he continues to pound the shit out of you in an even more visceral manner than before.
VROOOOOM! Nice approach!
Aim could use some work...look, you even missed Slag and he's lying down.
The thing that I love the most is the fact that, if these teenagers have a direct line to the cops, then that means the police clearly know what they're up to...and obviously in no way disapprove... In fact it looks as though they're happy to let the stupid little bastards do the hard work for them. Classic, classic, classic.
Remember the days? The days when THIS sound used to brighten your day regardless of the circumstance?!
If you were one of the kids of the 90s who had the luxury of growing up with a Sega Mega Drive in your house, you'll know what I mean when I talk about "Sega Nostalgia!" We were spoiled with the choice of games, such as the epic "Fifa 90", the chain swingin' "Road Rash", and "Bubsy" the bobcat along with sooo many others. Along with this privelige of owning a sega, came a certain degree of loyalty to the product too. It seems as though most of us with a Mega Drive in our posession, were often less likely to acknowledge the brilliance of Nintendo and their respected counterparts to everything that Sega had on offer. But to be honest, looking back on it now with more objective adult eyes, I still think Sega were on to a winner with the Mega Drive. It was hands down better than the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and it seems clear that the only reason that Nintendo won the battle between the two in the end was because of Sega's repeated "Dropping the ball" when it came to future consoles like the Saturn and the Dreamcast.
Fair enough, the SNES had Mario Kart, Mario All Stars, Mario Tennis and...uh...all those other fucking Mario spin-off's...but then on the other end of the spectrum, Sega were offering Streets of Rage, Golden Axe, Earthworm Jim and a whole mess of other shit that was just awesome at the time. The graphics looked dynamic, the gameplay was fun and for the most part the games were a hell of a lot more violent (and as such, fun) than the toddler friendly SNES games.
Dogpiling was common in "Streets of Rage", as was shooting, blowing shit up, random stabbings, and the police fucking shit up with a bazooka...which begs the question, "Why do the teenage characters need to be doing this to begin with?"
I remember whenever we were playing 2 player "Golden Axe", none of my mates (me included) wanted to play as the girl, and therefore, more often than I care to remember, there were arguments over who would get to play as "Santa"...Santa of course referring to the little white bearded Viking character who's only resemblence to jolly old Saint Nick was said white beard.
I guess he COULD be Santa...maybe...it is quite polite the way he chooses to bash the bad guy over the head with the butt of the axe as opposed to decapitating him with it ...Wouldn't want to make his naughty list regardless.
Now to be fair, not all the games were great...in fact a lot of them were absolute pants to put it mildly. Games like "Greendog", and "Daffy Duck in Hollywood" had no business sharing the same sacred console as the games mentioned above. Even this game was fucking legendary compared to the likes of Greendog!
Hold B and Backwards and you could even do the fucking moonwalk! No joke! This game was pure win!
But the thing that MADE Sega for me, the absolute be all, end all...the one thing that really made Sega stand out from the Nintendo, was Sonic The Hedgehog. In fact, the very first time that I was ever even sat down in front of a games console, this was the very frist image I saw.
I was mesmerised. There was no way anything other than Sonic the Hedgehog was going to occupy my every thought for the next coupole of years. I absolutely adored all things Sonic, including every conceivable cash-in they could think of. From the toys to the bed sheets, to the awful, but memorable cartoons. In fact I remember really liking the really colourful one more than the darker themed one that seemed to run simultaneously, but I do remember liking the theme song from the darker show better. Remember these?
Anyway, times change, and so do people... but this little guy will always represent some truly fond memories for me, and I went ahead and downloaded Sonic 4 for the XBOX 360 recently just for shits and giggles...turns out, it's nay half bad. Pretty much back to basics for Sega! A teeny, tiny step in the right direction.
One of the first horror movies that I remember seeing as a kid, long before I had even heard of The Evil Dead, Sam Raimi or George A. Romero was "Scream" and the film was so witty and satirical that it briefly ignited a personal teenage fondness for the "slasher" genre. I admittedly believed that Wes Craven was the be all, end all as far as horror director's go. Looking back through the years, he's been responsible for some of the most outstanding franshise's to date. You've got your "Nightmare on Elm Street", your "New Nightmare" and of course your "Scream".
Obviously they're not all great...you can't make seven or eight films in a franchise and expect them all to be good. In fact, come to think of it...some of them aren't even passable...And it seems to be a common occurence in the Hollywood of today, that the almighty dollar has caused these film creators to milk these franchises for everything they're worth. No greater example than the saw franchise. First one's great. Nothing short of creative genius. But the fact that they made six more of them, each only a year apart and each being released on Halloween means that the series has well and truly jumped the shark. I guess it was the same back in the 80's/90's with all those dreadful Elm Street sequels. But I'll tell you this much, give me any one of those shitty sequels over this "reboot" business any day of the week.
I'd honestly rather watch this than some bastardised version of the original
So far in the last decade, we've seen reboots of A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Amityville Horror, Prom Night, Dawn Of The Dead...the list is f**king endless. And just when you think you've lost all faith in Hollywood, just when you think they've hit rock bottom...somebody throws them a shovel in the form of a formerly great director that for some reason decides to sign off on the idea of their creation being royally butt f**ked by some other clown shoes wearing, wet behind the ears director. If I were a writer/director who created a beloved franchise, do you think for one second that I would allow someone like Rob Zombie to get his grubby little mitts all over it? Not a chance. I'd rather eat my own face.
This is exactly why I was all sorts of sceptical about this "Scream 4" (or "Scre4m" for all the cool kids out there)...It was marketed as some sort of a mash-up between sequel and reboot, which is all kinds of disconcerting. It was also announced that Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courteney Cox would all reprise their roles, but that they would not necessarily be the focal point of this movie, because the intention was to set the scene for a new trilogy...presumably then, with an all new cast. That pissed me off first and foremost because Sidney Prescott (Campbell) is the entire focal point of those movies. She IS the franchise, Without Sidney, there is no Scream. It just wouldn't be interesting...nor would it make sense. She is to Scream, what Ripley is to Alien, or what Ash is to Evil Dead. Admittedly Cox and Arquette's characters are expendable...you really only need Sydney in order for the franchise to continue...but they're all just so damn popular, fans just would not like to envisage a scenario where the series continues without any of them, and that's a fact.
The thing that I find most bothersome about the fact that Wes Craven obviously knows exactly what he's doing, is that there are other directors, that I once held in equally high esteem who are not making the same wise decisions. There has been talk for years about whether or not Sam Raimi was going to go ahead and make the much anticipated Evil Dead 4, or whether he was just going to sign off on a remake of the original. For a while there it seemed as if he was leaning towards the latter, but apparently an aggressive, visceral outcry from fans lead to him rejecting that idea...but it turns out that he has recently gone ahead and decided that the remake is more or less a certainty, despite the fact that according to him, Evil Dead 4 is already in the process of being written?!? F**king nonsense. Why would you do a remake AND a sequel? Are you trying to divide audiences? Or do you think it would be clever to win back the legions of fans of the original by making the epic, big budget sequel that they've been dreaming of, all the while drawing in a new audience of twilight-emo-wankers with your new age, bastardised version of the original? I can understand remakes of movies to an extent, for example if the substance of the story is good, but the techniques through which the story was told appears dated...but this is simply not the case with The Evil Dead. It's as gorey and shocking today as it was in 1982. Simply put...NO...REMAKE...NECESSARY!
Would you pay money to see this kind of shit? Didn't think so!
I honestly enjoyed Scream 4 an awful lot more than I thought I would because it was done right, but I flat out refuse to entertain, or even acknowledge the idea of going to see an Evil Dead remake with this little emo shit, or any of his modern chronies involved.
(Note: To induce the rage generally caused by Mario Kart, in order to help you fully appreciate this article it is recommended that you play this music in the background as you read. Of course, if you are easily riled or are of an otherwise "nervous" disposition and are likely to harm yourself and/or others upon listening to it again, playing this track is not recommended.)
It was a great era for gaming, the early 90's...it pretty much saw household gaming revolutionised, as people tended to move away from their ATARI home entertainment system's or Commadore 64's in favour of what would be the next generation of gaming...The Sega Mega Drive and The Super Nintendo Entertainment System. This era has given us some of the most beloved characters the world has ever seen in any medium, with Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario in particular standing head and shoulders above the rest. Along with these characters came multiple sequels and spin-off's to their games, one of the most popular of these is the Mario Kart franchise. Great concept in all fairness:-fat, slow-ass slob Mario can't be arsed pursuing his adventures on foot anymore so instead decides to travel by Go-Kart. But what's this?
All his mates are in on it too. Oh joy, the fun will never end...but look, that's not all...Mario, backstabbing prick that he is, has decided to invite Bowser, his mortal enemy along to join in the fun and frolics... This heartless son of a bitch has been responsible for the kidnapping of Mario's missus on umpteen different occasions, putting the heroic plumber through hell and literal high water in order to win her back,and he has been invited to join in the fun and frolics. Either Mario goes above and beyond being the "forgiving" sort, or he's the dumbest son of a bitch you'll ever see.
Putting the logistics of that scenario aside for the time being...let's talk about the gameplay itself shall we? First off, you can forget your Guitar Hero's and Rock Bands or any of that nonsense...Mario Kart through the years has consistantly been the most enjoyable and equally the most beloved party game of all time, with a new generation of the game being made for each new nintendo console. The thing that makes this game so much more fun and interesting than any other generic racing game is the outside variable which I like to refer to as the "mystery boxes".
For the uninitiated, these boxes have the direct ability to dictate how you will perform in any given race. Generally, you will expereince a mixed bag of emotions while picking up your mystery boxes. You take the good with the bad and generally you will pick up boxes that are both a help and a hinderance during the course of the race...it's cyclical for the most part, but the thing about these boxes is that more than anything else, they seem to be designed to favour everyone in the race with the exception of the driver in first place. In fact, not only do these boxes not favour the person in first place, but it seems as if the entire "mystery box" system was created with the sole purpose of absolutely annihilating the person in first place. If you are in first place and you pick up one of those boxes you generally receive a handful of banana skins for your troubles...great, lets leave them out on the track shall we, and hope against hope that the drivers coming up from behind are so idiotic that they slip on these giant, glowing banana peels.
Not only that, but sometimes the mystery box will directly screw you over if you are fortunate enough to find yourself in first place. Things are going great...one more lap to go, and then BAM...this f**king thing appears on your screen!
"That's all I need", you think to yourself as the lightning strikes you, temporarily makes you about six times smaller than the other racers and slows your speed considerably for good measure. Thanks a lot cloud, you douchebag!
Contrary to this, if you find yourself in last place for the majority of the race, which happens to the best of us from time to time, the boxes will try their very best to do as much work for you as possible and put you back in the race, at least making you look like a possible threat to the other drivers...even if you know it's bullshit.
This little gem, which they brought in for the Wii edition of Mario Kart is absolutely astonishing. Racer is in last place. Racer Grabs Box. Racer turns into giant bullet with a face. Racer mauls his way through about six other racers, exploding them in the process, and as racer comes to a slow halt, racer finds another box. Racer turns into bullet and the process repeats itself.
And lastly on the subject of this wonderful, yet equally frustrating game, is the tension that it creates among friends when you play in a group. Alliances are formed, and quickly severed. Otherwise non-competative people show a different side to their personalities, and failed shortcut attempts cause unnecessary lashing out in an attempt to pass the buck.
"Goddamit Alex, now I fell off the edge! This is all your fault!"
"How could that possibly be all my fault, I'm not even playing?" "You told me to take the shortcut...you knew this would happen...You're off the team"
This tension is particularly evident when you and one of your friends are duking it out for first place just in front of the finish line. Those duels can be very intense, and the room often goes eerily quiet. Suddenly winning is the most important thing in the world. You owe it to yourself to win, or you're not allowed to have any dinner...that's what you tell yourself as you inch past Bowser who is being controlled by your best mate. It's in the bag...but wait...What's this alarm sound...Oh look, it's a blue shell that Donkey "Sneak Attack" Konghas thrown from about four places back. It blows you to shit, f**ks your mate over too, just because he happened to be next to ya...and the seemingly braindead DK saunters past you for the win with that Steve Guttenberg-esque grin on his face!
In closing, it's a great game to play with people, just expect some cold silences in the room after certain/all races, and try not to let the game obliterate your faith in logic, justice and what's right and wrong.
Walking home from the shop yesterday, I saw a bunch of whipper snappers cycling their bikes and talking about the usual nonsense that young teens tend to talk about. "Here bye's (bye's being the phonetic spelling of "boys" because it seems to be a more and more common occurance that young people in Kildare just aren't arsed taking the time to properly pronounce their words) jaknow what'd be gaaas? If we were to start calling each other by our second names!" "That'd be legendary" responds one of the lads..."Grand...so what's your second name?" says the first. "Ian" says the second...Cue prolonged silence..."Whaaa?" says the first. The moment that both lads realised that the second chap had misinterpreted and clearly mentioned his middle name was like something out of a sitcom! Their eyes widened, their jaws dropped, the second lad hung his head in shame while the first took full advantage of his mate's stupid mistake and went "Nooooo ye sap.....what's yer surname?"
Although I found all of this relatively humorous, I was particularly tickled by the fact that one of the lads was on a bike that was clearly intended for a child about three or four years his junior. It is not one little bit of an exaggeration to say he looked utterly ridiculous. To put it in perspective, he looked like an orange on a toothpick with hula hoops for wheels, and the bike was literally crumbling under the weight of this chap...The fact that the bike kept grinding to a halt and making this unmerciful sound as the chain popped on and off should've been a sign that the kid needs to either kick the cycling habit until he can afford another bike, one more suited to anyone other than a newborn, or he should just kick the habit completely.
The reason I find all of this humorous is because it reminded me of all the blissful ignorance that we exhibit as children...of course the fact that he was far too hefty to be cycling a bike of that size was not the reason the bike was literally crumbling under the pressure. Well, at least, not in his mind...No, no...the reason the bike was failing was because it is a "hape o' shoite!" It's just one of the many things that you fool yourself about when you're a kid. Other common themes are things like "I ate enough vegetables, I'm full...but I will have ice cream though." and "they who smelled it dealt it!".
Yet, for all the nonsense that we spouted as kids, there were always those little things that we noticed about life that was probably astounding for wee people of our intellectual capacity. One of those things that I noticed as a youngster, that pisses me off to this day as much as it did back then is a little something that I like to call "The Boof Effect".
You'd be watching a tv show or a movie, right? and the main character would be infatuated with this "larger than life" and "hot as fuck" character, with a view to bedding this individual at some point before the story draws to a close. Co-inciding with this, there'd always be this jealous ass best friend who'd be watching the main character slip away from them as they sit idle and watch the whole story unfold before their very eyes. I take issue with so many things of this nature that it actually brings my piss to a boil. For a start, this "best friend" would always, always have a storied past witht the main character, often dating back to childhood or whatever...and secondly, you actually become one of those stereotypical movie ruin-ers (of the "Don't go in there girl...the killer be waitin' for ya!" variety!) who shout incessantly at the screen in a crowded auditorium, simply because the best friend is always itching to say something, but never-ever does...it's perposterous.
The one thing that really chaps my ass about this topic though (and this is a real big one), is the fact that this best friend, who'd you presume is an epic fucking loser of Biblical proportions, is in fact not...They're just not. In fact, they're quite the opposite. Despite being intelligent, funny and having this magnificent rapore with the main character, the idiot hero is always blissfully ignorant of the fact that the perfect girl is standing right next to him, as he is presumably blinded by his pursuit of the other "hot chick" who...more often that not, turns out to be an epic bitch of Lindsay Lohan proportions. All this, coupled with the fact that the best friend is generally drop dead gorgeous leaves you in ruination by the end of the film as you end up hating the main character for wasting an hour and a half of your life becasue he didn't cop it from the beginning. The best example of this that I noticed from childhood, was "Boof", the best mate of Michael J Fox's character in Teen Wolf. That movie literally ticks all the boxes mentioned above. Hot best friend - check...Ignorant shit of a main character - check...Promising hot girl who turns out to be an unbelievable slag - check...
Loss of self-respect and respect for others as well as mankind in general upon seeing it - check...
Cyanide capsules at the ready in case you ever find yourself sitting through a similarly themed movie again... You better bulleeee that's a check!
I remember logging onto youtube for the first time in 2005 and thinking "man, this is the future"...the concept alone blew me away, people could put videos on the internet and share them with the world at the click of a button. Now, it's important to acknowledge that the entire landscape of youtube was different back in those embryonic days...there was probably only a few hundred thousand videos on it at the time, and many of them were mainly just from people uploading entire episodes of programmes, or even feature films. Another important aspect in highlighting the differences between the youtube of yesteryear and it's modern counterpart is the fact that there was no 10 minute time limit on uploads.
If you were a casual internet surfer with an hour and a half to spare, you could simply head to youtube, not sign in to any account, and watch full movies to your heart's content. It was magical...But I genuinely didn't think that it would take off the way it did. In it's current form, youtube hosts billions of videos, and has many hundreds of millions of registered users, and with this being the case, a new "easy access" culture seems to have been created in which we can visit this website and be guaranteed a laugh, a story, or at the very least an illegal streaming of a television programme. Over the years, youtube has provided us with some of the funniest videos you'll probably ever see, created new celebrities, and pretty much granted any of us with a camera and a computer a forum for showcasing our talents.
But one thing that youtube has given us which is just worth so much more than any of these things, is the voice that it has granted to the "haters" of this world, who like nothing more than to place these non-constructive, spiteful, malicious and often times downright hilarious comments on strangers videos! I've often clicked onto a video and was far more entertained by the comments underneath than I was by the video itself! It once again goes to show you that people are bastards...funny bastards...but bastards all the same!
This woeful song is one of the most "disliked" videos that youtube has ever seen, yet it's also one of the most watched...so who exactly wins here? Rebecca Black quickly becomes one of the most despised people on the planet, but becomes rich as all hell in the process. The song is shit, the lyrics are shit...you better believe the video is shit...but the comments... ah the comments:-
"That would rip yer fucking knittin!!"
"It's fried eggs fried eggs fried eggs!!!"
"LENNON, MOZART AND BEETHOVEN ARE STOOD UPRIGHT IN THEIR GRAVES AND APPLAUDING THIS, THE GREATEST SONG IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!"
"this shit suck" - I especially love these one's wherethe person (most likely delusional from overexposure to this utter bollocks) just cannot be arsed putting their dislike into a proper sentence.
"Because of this song... I think I'll just start looking forward to Thursday."
"yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards" - Lyrical Genius, Rebecca Black.
"I cannot believe 91,212 of you idiot's liked this. I hope it's worth it, because I am going to personally shit on each and every one of you!"
Another great little habit of youtube comment leavers' these days is to make a comment directly related to the video, but in reference to the amount of dislikes the video has received! For example this video of a scene from Army Of Darkness is re-jigged into a very odd song which features the lyrics "alright you prmitive screwheads, listen up"
One of the highest rated comments underneath is "18 people are primitive screwheads" of course referring to the 18 people who chose to dislike the video...it's very topical and although there are much more witty (sometimes even hysterical) examples of it on other videos, it's definitely something to keep your eye out for...especially if it's an in-joke for fans of whatever the video may be. It really goes down a treat!
Another very popular video is this clip of Justin Bieber making an arse out of himself on some New Zealand TV show. Yes it's priceless, and yes it's an epic fail...but the comments are so impossibly harsh...funny as all hell though!
"justin..a door is important for every house...true or false? whats a door? we dont say that in america."
Go forth and watch as many videos as you can. all the while keeping an eye out for those comments that just may reduce you to tears with laughter!
whats a door? we dont say that in america."
Go forth and watch as many videos as you can. all the while keeping an eye out for those comments that just may reduce you to tears with laughter!