I was looking at the television guide the other day out of sheer morbid curiosity, just to satisfy myself that I had made the right decision in stopping myself from watching any of the current serials that air in syndication around the world. The last television programme that I watched from start to finish was Boston Legal (2004 - 2008). It's so hard to commit to anything on television these days what with the likes of the buttfuckery of Glee, Desperate Housewives and The Big Bang Theory dominating the airwaves...and don't even get me started on the likes of 90210 or that pseudo-reality television shite "Jersey Shore".
Gone are the days of quirky television...where shows didn't necessarily have to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society. Where are the Frasier's, and the Denny Crane's of today's television? There are simply NO iconic characters out there at the moment, and with that being the case, what's the point in watching?
Occasionally looking through your tv guide, or even just by watching tv itself and noticing how bad it has become, your mind often wanders to the days when television used to excite you. Your mind is cast back to memories of shows that you thought you had forgotten. Shows that you would beg, borrow and steal to see back on the air just as an alternative to the contemporary shit that we are now force fed 24/7.
Admittedly, I had a soft spot for those early 90's teen angst drama's like the original 90210 or Party of Five (did nay really care for the likes of Dawson's Creek though), but just yesterday I was reminded of a show that was a little bit quirky, if not completely ridiculous (but it was the good kind of ridiculous). T'was a little program called "Early Edition"...you don't remember it you say? Allow me to summarise...
I can't really remember the specifics of certain episodes, but I do vividly remember watching this poor bastard risk life and limb in order to stop your run of the mill disasters from occuring. You know, piano's falling out of windows onto inoccent passers by, the odd train crash and fire, the usual like. It always astounded me that the character of Gary never really attempted to manipulate that whole "getting tomorrow's paper today" thing and use it to his advantage. He was a stock broker by trade...he could have cleaned up if he really wanted to...even if he treated himself and did the lottery once you'd think that'd be a just reward for going out of your way to save the lives of hundreds of complete and utter strangers. I know one guy who wouldn't be quite so selfless.
Give me a sports almanac any day of the week
This show makes you wonder what exactly you would do if you were in Hobson's position. You know full well what you'd do don't you? You'd milk it for everything it was worth and then donate the odd portion to charity just to quench your guilt. In fact, if I'm honest, I'd probably even try and sell that fucking cat that always used to show up with the paper for no apparent reason. Extra few quid in the pocket. Nice!
Following my article earlier in the week looking back upon the Sega fuelled existance that was my childhood, I decided to write a few notes about the things that always amused me about one game in particular, and by game I mean franchise, because each game was as funny as the last. I'm talking of course about the epic win that is "Streets of Rage"!
Not for the feint of heart, Streets of Rage tells the story of a bunch of (more or less) vigilante's who decide to take it upon themselves to hunt down and destroy an entire band of criminals one by one by fucking one. And that is where the hilarity begins. Not only are we to believe that these three punks are capable of taking down organised crime with their bare hands, but we also discover that the characters in question are supposed to be teenagers. So essentially, it's a glorified video game of "Home Alone" with the gore amped way up.
More chortles are on offer in the form of phone booths that (once smashed to shit) offer goodies such as:
a piece of broken glass and other stabbing implements
a lead pipe
a beer bottle
or my personal favourite, edible goodies in the form of large apples or the occasional fully rolled and boned turkey.
And then I was all like "POW, LEAD PIPE TO THE FACE!"
The knives are the best, because not only do you look ridiculous when carrying them, but they also make this unmerciful sound like someone being battered with a plank of wood when you stab the bad guys. Not only that, but the characters who are knifed, leap back with a great deal of theatrics (a la professional wrestling) upon being attacked. And as if all of this weren't brilliant enough, when the bad guys get their hands on a knife, woe betide anyone who stands in their way...literally. They don't so much thrust the knife forward in a traditional stabbing motion, as much as walk forward holding said knife in front of them in the hopes that someone walks directly into their path. It's genius!
Another priceless little feature is the recurring characters. For example, you may encounter the same poor bastard about eight or nine times betwix the beginning and end of any one level. It really makes you admire one's persinstance. For example, you may beat the scuttering shit out of "Donovan" or "Slag" and leave him laying on his back, only for him to get back up, dust himself off, and attempt to attack you again about thirty seconds later...In fact, it is not uncommon for two or even three Donovan's to appear on screen together at once.
the many faces of Donovan
Another classic bit of comedy is the fact that when the going gets tough, you have a direct line to the fuzz who show up in a car (keeping a safe distance, mind) and fuck shit up with a bazooka. They absolutely nuke the scene and destroy whichever bad guys are causing you distress, unless of course it's a boss, in which case they cause him a minor inconvenience and then he continues to pound the shit out of you in an even more visceral manner than before.
VROOOOOM! Nice approach!
Aim could use some work...look, you even missed Slag and he's lying down.
The thing that I love the most is the fact that, if these teenagers have a direct line to the cops, then that means the police clearly know what they're up to...and obviously in no way disapprove... In fact it looks as though they're happy to let the stupid little bastards do the hard work for them. Classic, classic, classic.
Remember the days? The days when THIS sound used to brighten your day regardless of the circumstance?!
If you were one of the kids of the 90s who had the luxury of growing up with a Sega Mega Drive in your house, you'll know what I mean when I talk about "Sega Nostalgia!" We were spoiled with the choice of games, such as the epic "Fifa 90", the chain swingin' "Road Rash", and "Bubsy" the bobcat along with sooo many others. Along with this privelige of owning a sega, came a certain degree of loyalty to the product too. It seems as though most of us with a Mega Drive in our posession, were often less likely to acknowledge the brilliance of Nintendo and their respected counterparts to everything that Sega had on offer. But to be honest, looking back on it now with more objective adult eyes, I still think Sega were on to a winner with the Mega Drive. It was hands down better than the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and it seems clear that the only reason that Nintendo won the battle between the two in the end was because of Sega's repeated "Dropping the ball" when it came to future consoles like the Saturn and the Dreamcast.
Fair enough, the SNES had Mario Kart, Mario All Stars, Mario Tennis and...uh...all those other fucking Mario spin-off's...but then on the other end of the spectrum, Sega were offering Streets of Rage, Golden Axe, Earthworm Jim and a whole mess of other shit that was just awesome at the time. The graphics looked dynamic, the gameplay was fun and for the most part the games were a hell of a lot more violent (and as such, fun) than the toddler friendly SNES games.
Dogpiling was common in "Streets of Rage", as was shooting, blowing shit up, random stabbings, and the police fucking shit up with a bazooka...which begs the question, "Why do the teenage characters need to be doing this to begin with?"
I remember whenever we were playing 2 player "Golden Axe", none of my mates (me included) wanted to play as the girl, and therefore, more often than I care to remember, there were arguments over who would get to play as "Santa"...Santa of course referring to the little white bearded Viking character who's only resemblence to jolly old Saint Nick was said white beard.
I guess he COULD be Santa...maybe...it is quite polite the way he chooses to bash the bad guy over the head with the butt of the axe as opposed to decapitating him with it ...Wouldn't want to make his naughty list regardless.
Now to be fair, not all the games were great...in fact a lot of them were absolute pants to put it mildly. Games like "Greendog", and "Daffy Duck in Hollywood" had no business sharing the same sacred console as the games mentioned above. Even this game was fucking legendary compared to the likes of Greendog!
Hold B and Backwards and you could even do the fucking moonwalk! No joke! This game was pure win!
But the thing that MADE Sega for me, the absolute be all, end all...the one thing that really made Sega stand out from the Nintendo, was Sonic The Hedgehog. In fact, the very first time that I was ever even sat down in front of a games console, this was the very frist image I saw.
I was mesmerised. There was no way anything other than Sonic the Hedgehog was going to occupy my every thought for the next coupole of years. I absolutely adored all things Sonic, including every conceivable cash-in they could think of. From the toys to the bed sheets, to the awful, but memorable cartoons. In fact I remember really liking the really colourful one more than the darker themed one that seemed to run simultaneously, but I do remember liking the theme song from the darker show better. Remember these?
Anyway, times change, and so do people... but this little guy will always represent some truly fond memories for me, and I went ahead and downloaded Sonic 4 for the XBOX 360 recently just for shits and giggles...turns out, it's nay half bad. Pretty much back to basics for Sega! A teeny, tiny step in the right direction.
