The Subtle Differences!

"It's the little differences. I mean, they got the same shit over there that we got here, but it's just – it's just there it's a little different." - Vincent Vega, Pulp Fiction


I think it happens a lot in life, that the so called "little differences" lead people to misinterpret or even unfairly dislike a lot of things, based on the fact that these "little differences" are in fact so little, that the average person can't tell the difference to begin with.

For example - Coca Cola/Diet Coke

To the uninitiated Diet Coke is simply a lower sugar, lower caffeine alternative to the real McCoy, which boasts the same great taste. However, to the people who consume on average a handful of units of Coca Cola based beverages per week and as such can easily tell the difference, Diet Coke offers absolutely jack and shit. For a kick off, there's no sugar buzz...that's fucked right off...and likewise you can forget about any sort of caffeine induced sweats or paranoia (all the things that make you enjoy it's full sugar counterpart)...and the icing on the cake is that it tastes like absolute piss. I'd say I'd rather drink a carton of unpasteurised, out of date goats milk, but we all know that's bullshit. I'd clearly pick Diet Coke over that as an alternative...but just barely!

 Similarly, I always found the distinction between infant and adult nappies to be something worth mentioning. Why is it, that as infants, we are celebrated for "requiring" (for lack of a better term) these incredibly useful household items, yet, once people hit the pensioner phase of their lives, the sheer idea of having to revert to using these nappies is considered something to be embarassed by. I think all pensioners whose organs aren't performing up to scratch should say it loud and say it proud by sporting an adult nappy underneath their overalls. Wouldn't everyone just be happier if they didn't have to worry about it? And you'd never know, it could become the new norm. Just imagine a world where you don't need to worry about what foul atrocities await you in the dark bowers of public toilets. A Eutopia if ever there was one.

Thirdly, on this subject of subtle differences, is the notion of dialect/language barriers when it comes to certain words referring to different things in different places. This can cause issues. If you are in Europe at a fast food restaurant, and you ask for chips, you get chips. If you are at a similar fast food establishment in the States, and you ask for  chips, you get a strange look from the person behind the counter. This is because they don't say chips. They say "fries"...which over here refers to the act of throwing some rashers, sausages and some pudd on a pan and "frying" it (cryptic isn't it?). When was the last time you've ever seen chips being cooked that way? If I went to a mate's house for dinner and I saw them fuck their chips on to a frying pan I'd cut my losses and go home. Now I know you can put them in a deep fat frier which admittedly is probably what they do in McDonalds...but wouldnt it be easier to just say "chips"?.... and then just to fuck you right off, you'd go to a convenience store in the States and ask for a bag of crisps...only to get another strange look from the clerk. See that's because they call crisps...wait for it..."chips"...That's right, they call those, hard, crunchy, CRISPY potato snacks, chips. It beggars belief.

These are chips

These are crisps

Similarly in terms of regional differences is the variation between names of jam! And I'm not talking about the word "Jam" versus the word "Jelly" (although that lights a fire under me too). I'm referring more specifically to the idea of the words "preserve" and "conserve"... Is there a difference? I always thought they meant the same thing, but when it comes to food, we're living in a world where chips and crisps are swapped depending on where you live, so how can anyone be sure that there are no differences between Strawberry preserve and Strawberry conserve...eh?

50/50

So, a few weeks ago I wrote a blog entry documenting my favourite films of the year and vaguely explained why I chose them for my top five. One of the main reasons that 50/50 was not included in this list was that I was originally under the impression that it was not being released over this side of the pond until 2012. I was wrong. It was released three weeks ago. I watched it. I loved it, and then I watched it again. Now I'm writing about it...True story. From watching the trailers or reading the reviews I had more or less pieced together a jigsaw in my head of how the final cut of the movie would look, and as it turned out, for the most part the picture was fairly accurate. Truth be told, it's more or less a straight up cancer story which portray's the grueling nature of chemotherapy, the despair that cancer brings, and the strain that it puts on relationships. On the surface, there's really nothing here that hasn't already been seen a dozen times in other movies.

What I didn't count on however, was the fact that it serves as a very effective way of suddenly making a young audience become very aware of their own mortality, and therein lies its originality. This is something that I can honestly say I never felt while watching any movie in the past. Generally I consider the world of cinema to be a form of escapism, and as such regard most everything that I see within the confines of the auditorium as a work of pure fiction and nothing more. I did not feel that way here.

One of the most interesting aspects of the movie is that it is more or less an auto-biographical tale from it's writer Will Reiser, who was diagnosed with a very rare form of spinal cancer in his early twenties. Another interesting side-note is that Seth Rogen's character (that of the nurturing and well-meaning best friend) is also the role that he played in Reiser's life at the time of his diagnosis, as the two were (and still are) very close friends.

The lead role of Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is played with just the right balance of humour and melancholy as we see him transition through the various physical and emotional "stages" of The Big C. It is clear from the outset that Adam is one of those typical virtuous leading men, putting on full display - all the attributes of a man that women in the audience tend to fall in love with (not unlike his character in "500 days of Summer"). Levitt's real acting prowess is put on full display here, particularly in a late scene in the final act where his tribulations culminate in a heart racing, fist pounding nervous breakdown.

There is also more than adequate support from the likes of Angelica Huston as Adam's grieving mother, and Anna Kendrick as an adorably awkward shrink-in-training.With a compelling, sometimes bitter-sweet, but overall uplifting story and a very bankable assembly of talent in front of the camera, 50/50 is an absolute must see. If you can watch it without feeling the hair stand up on your neck, or at least feeling your chin wobble, then simply put, you are made of stone. Watch this movie.

Dave's Learnings - Chapter 3

It was a dangerous situation...and Dave was a dangerous man. Crawling out of the wreckage of the plane he thought to himself "That's the second plane I had to crash this week...shame". He dusted himself down and patted out the fire on his clothes. Dave looked around...what a coincidence. His kidnappers seemed to have brought him to the destination that he was planning on going to anyway. "I must be in Australia" Dave thought to himself as he looked at the sign saying "Welcome to Australia". All of a sudden the rubble from the crash started to become disturbed. Dave turned and saw a hand sticking up out of the wreckage. "It's the pilot." he shouted..."the dastard...I thought I killed him already" and then, moving closer to the badly hurt aviator his anger subsided. "Oh well..." he thought..."I guess I can always kill him twice". He cracked his knuckles so as to intimidate the man, but alas, the pilot could not be intimidated...not because he was really macho or anything like that, but rather because he had slipped into a coma while Dave was talking to himself. Dave stomped on his nuts. It made a funny crunching sound like when you step on some frozen leaves on a cold winters day. "Hahaha" thought Dave. Now he could begin his learning as planned.

Dave's Learnings - Chapter 2

Dave woke up on an airplane in mid flight. He found the whole situation very confusing because he remembered being at the airport but had no memory of boarding a plane. "I don't remember boarding a plane" he said... "And this whole situation is very confusing". What's more, he was not in a seat, but in the cargo area where it was all dark and uncomfortable. He was pretty sure he heard a rat...and maybe he saw one run past too. Or maybe he was halucinating. It was very dark. It may not have been a rat. It may have just been a giant spider, or a scorpion or something like that. Dave's patience was wearing thin. He had spent several years studying to be a pacifist with Tibetan monks a long time ago, but he was considering abandoning that on acoount of he was so angry for being knocked out and put in the cargo area. "...and after I paid for a ticket and everything" he thought.

Just then a crack of light entered the area and a dark figure walked in. Dave's first thoughts were that if it was a man, he would kill him with a falcon punch, and that if it was a woman, he would seduce her to find out who was responsible. As the figure approached Dave could make out some feminine qualities and so flashed an award winning smile. Her bra popped off. He then proceeded to seduce her. Afterwards he killed her with a falcon punch, but his insatiable appetite for seduction lead him to forget that he was supposed to ask her who was responsible. "Oh well". He was going to find out the information one way or another. He quietly moved  towards the cockpit. "Time to meet the pilot" Dave said. "Hahaha".

Dave's Learnings - Chapter 1

"This is no good" Dave thought out loud to himself. The situation which he was referring to which was not good was that he was finished learning everything that he could possibly learn in Ireland. "I only care about two things in this life...working on my computer, and learning stuff" he said while buying a milky bar ice cream. They were his favourite. As he ate the ice cream bar he realised that it was not bringing him as much happiness as he thought it would. Dave decided that if he was going to continue to learn stuff, he was going to have to go somewhere else to do it."If I am going to continue to learn stuff, I need to go somewhere else to do it" he exclaimed. The man behind the counter in the ice cream shop was not the least bit interested in any of this and said "Just go then...take your precious ice cream bar and leave".

Dave did just that. But he decided that he would bring a laptop...that way he could document his learnings while on the go. But Dave was too poor to buy a laptop. He had spent his last 800 euro on a plane ticket to Australia, so he needed to figure out another way to bring one. "I know" Dave thought... "I will take a laptop from the store and not pay for it". It was not going to be easy, and it would require all of Dave's cunning. "It is not going to be easy, and it will require all of my cunning" he said out loud while standing in the middle of the laptop store. The staff were suspicious. He needed to create a diversion. A clerk came over and asked "Can I help you sir?". Losing his cool, Dave called an audible and picked up the laptop off the shelf, clobbering the store clerk across the head with it, before sommersaulting over a handful of security men who were blocking the exit. Dave escaped with the laptop and was ready to learn. "Hahaha" Dave thought.

2011 in Film

For the most part 2011 has been a dull year for movies. Some of the more interesting titles of the year weren't necessarily rewarded for their efforts with either box office success nor the praise of critics (as usual), and then by contrast, the films that were rewarded with fiscal success were remarkably undeserving of said success (Transformers: Dark Side Of Yer Gash, anyone?). But thankfully, this year, like every other, had just about enough decent offerings to remind us why we love movies in the first place. Now, obviously the year is not over yet, but with movies such as Harold and Kumar and Alvin and The Chipmunks scheduled to finish off the year's theatrical run, it's fairly safe to assume that the best movies of this year have already seen the light of day.

The following is my current opinion (subject to change) on the top movies of the year. So, what's best way to tackle this?... Top 5 countdown I reckon. Cliché, I know, but lets just get it over with shall we?

• 5 - Crazy, Stupid, Love

Wedged somewhere ambiguously between rom-com and drama, this movie features an impressive cast who all churn out solid performances. Couple that with an excellent script and a unique approach to an otherwise jaded "couple going through a rough patch" kind of story, throw in Ryan Gosling as an unbelievably suave player, and an interesting turn from the always delightful Marisa Tomei as a bat shit crazy school teacher, and there really was no way this movie could bomb. The funny moments are exceptionally funny (and not just by rom com standards), and likewise the drama is pulled off with a great deal of sincerity. My only complaint about this movie is that it is a good half hour longer than it should be, and that will be apparent to anyone who watches it. But otherwise, it's place in this list is rather justified.

• 4 - Limitless

For some reason, every year, without fail I find myself inexplicably liking a movie that doesn't necessarily deserve an awful lot of attention. Usually it's either an awful comedy or a big budget action blockbuster with no plot (a la "The Expendables"), that really has no business appearing in anyone's Top 5. This year, my guilty pleasure was Neil Berger's twisted yarn "Limitless", featuring a pilled up Bradley Cooper realising his full potential due to the discovery of a performance enhancing drug, which ultimately ends up consuming the people who partake and forcing them to a grizzly premature demise. It's essentially a glorified chase movie, with some funky sequences thrown in to illustrate just how Bradley Cooper's character performs while under the influence. It's nonsense really, but it's a visual feast. But on a side note, DeNiro's pug faced tough guy routine is starting to piss me off.

•  3 - Super 8

 Up until a month ago, this movie looked set to sit firmly in the number one spot on my list, and not because it is such a terrific movie or anything... but rather because it just so happens that two of the best movies of the entire year (or any year for that matter) were released within the last month. Super 8 is understandably regarded by many as some kind of a rip-off of the Spielbergian movies of the seventies and eighties, but if we're being fair, it's so much more than that. I think the best way to put it is that it is more of a love letter to fans of those innocent eighties movies than anything else. Does it borrow from templates like E.T and The Goonies? Sure it does... But it had been so damn long since anyone had seen a movie like this, that audiences were practically screaming out for a movie that reminded them of those aforementioned classics, and like it or not, Super 8 is the response to those screams. It had great pace, it looked beautiful, and Spielberg stamped his seal of approval all over that mother, which makes the creative sampling of his work acceptable in my book. I also thought it was great to see Kyle Chandler back on the big screen. For the sake of being balanced, if I was to pick something that I didn't like about Super 8, it would be the ludicrous volume of shots featuring lens flare. JJ needs to just build a bridge already. People didnt like the lens flare in Star Trek...what made him think it would be any more well received here?

• 2 - Drive

The movie that solidified Ryan Gosling as the man to lead the next generation of suave, intense protagonists is also quite possibly one of the single greatest thriller's of the last few years. It's a rare occasion that a character comes along that can be both shit cool and mysterious in equal measure, and it's even more rare that we go the entire movie without discovering the character's name. With very little dialogue from the main character, it's remarkable in retrospect that the movie is as gripping as it is. But the key plot points occur at just the right moments to keep you from losing interest in what's going on, and the pace is such that the entire movie (save a couple of utterly grotesque kill sequences) is an absolute joy to watch. The soundtrack is easily one of the finest of the year too, with some epic synth tracks from the likes of Kavinsky and Lovefoxxx. In essence, if I could sum up "Drive" in one sentence, it would be "Go see it!!!"

• 1 - The Ides Of March

Admittedly, part of the reason this movie ranked so high on my list is probably because it is the most recent. Regardless of whether I re-assess my decision to place "The Ides Of March" as my number one movie of 2011, the simple fact of the matter is, at the moment, this movie is the most gripping, enduring film that I've seen in a good long while. On paper it seems like quite a dull story about a young man who is single handedly keeping the presidential campaign afloat for his candidate, while managing potential scandals and ensuring that they don't make their way into the public domain. At this point, it probably goes without saying that there's a lot more to it than that and once again, as with "Crazy, Stupid Love", this movie succeeds with thanks in no small part to the superb performances from the cast. Clooney has certainly proven his directing chops at this point, and it would not be wise to discount this modern classic from next years Oscar race. Marisa Tomei is terrific in her role as the backstabbing journalist who is looking to sell anyone out for the next big scoop, and similarly, Philip Seymore Hoffman does his job more than adequately, playing the paranoid campaign manager for Clooney's presisential hopeful. But perhaps the one thing to take away from this list, is that 2011 belongs to Ryan Gosling. With three of the best picture's of the year under his belt, he can seemingly do no wrong at the moment, and he has built a serious amount of momentum going into 2012. On a side note, the musical score by Alexandra Desplat is exceptional.

Why don't they just use those animawhatsits?!?

Almost in some sort of synchronization, the changing of a decade often seems to coincide with the demise of one of cinema's dominant forms of special effects. If you think about it, the 80's saw the slow whittling down to an eventual (and almost un-noticable) halt of stop-motion animation within live action films. The special effects of Ray Harryhausen had more or less pioneered the idea of placing fictional and sometimes indescribable characters in the same scene with actual actors in the early sixties (a fact which probably blew the minds of cinema going audiences at the time)...but come the end of the 1980's, this form of special effects was more or less obsolete, with the exception of select scenarios where stop-motion made economic sense for the film-maker. Come the early ninties, a new wave of special effects (or trick photography for the real old timer's out there) rose to Hollywood prominence in the form of animatronic puppets and robots.

Of course there were earlier examples of animatronics in films, even going back as far as the mid seventies with Spielberg's "Jaws"...but hindsight shows the rubber, robotic shark from this classic blockbuster for what it really is...a rubber, robotic shark. Perhaps a better example of animatronics being put to work in movies came with the 1986 sci-fi comedy "Short Circuit". A prime example of style over substance, it is the animatronic self aware robot Johnny 5 that carries this otherwise lacklustre movie on his back... which is saying a lot, considering the success of the movie, and the fact that he is not even an actor, but pieces of twisted metal being controlled remotely by some bloke behind the camera. In yo' face Steve Guttenberg! Owned in the acting department by a piece of machinery!

The years following the end of his movie career were not kind to Johnny 5

But the early nineties finally saw the perfect mesh of live action, puppetry and animatronics which left audiences with dropped jaws, bated breath and a hankering for more. 1990 saw the release of one of the biggest financially successful movies of the decade in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"... a movie which probably would not have seemed conceivable in the early eighties as there was no legitimate way to create these characters without them looking utterly ridiculous.

In 1979, Jim Henson created a company called "Jim Henson's Creature Shop". Although the company has since grown into something much larger, it was initially conceived to provide film makers with a means of creating a mix of animatronics and puppetry, tailor made to suit specific film and television projects. Their first major project Labyrinth was a huge success, and it became clear that the staff at the creature shop would be the ideal people to create four realistic walking, talking turtles, and a wise, decrepit rodent.

There really is no comparison here! The CGI turtles just look like absolute dog shit!

Surprisingly enough, the next film to successfuly combine these aspects of film making was also to be the beginning of the end for the mainstream use of the technology. The movie was the behemoth of Jurassic Park. Another Spielberg classic, where you genuinely feel like he probably sat back one afternoon, watched Jaws and thought "fuck...just imagine what I could do with this new animawhatsit technology!"

As well as combining puppetry (close up shots of the giant t-rex head), and robotics (the tar spewing peacock esque, giraffeneckasaurus), the film is also remembered by most as being one of the very first to incorporate mind blowing CGI into the mix, in order to make the pre-historic animals seem truly authentic.

Now THAT'S animatronics!

Slowly but surely after the release of Jurassic Park, puppetry was often abandoned entirely in favour of CGI, probably because some joker in Beverly Hills sat by his pool one day and shouted down the phone to the likes of Spielberg, Zemeckis and Jackson:- "IT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT DAMMIT! Now CGI the shit out of everything from now on"

Is it fuck? I'd say Michael Bay shot his load when he heard this. I remember watching a documentary about Pixar a couple of years ago, and seeing John Lasseter aggressively defend his new form of animation by striking back at those critics who claimed that 3d animation was responsible for the demise of classical 2d theatrical movies. Lasseter simply responded by saying that if the 2d animations had featured good stories, people would go to see them, no matter what medium was used. Of course he was absolutely right, and my complaint about CGI does not extend to the entirely animated movies created by the likes of Pixar and Dreamworks. It is really more limited to the live action movies which attempt to incorporate over the top or often times just plain shoddy computer imagery in the form of big fuck off wanky explosions, or characters who just look super imposed into a scene. If I ever turn on the Sci-Fi channel again, only to be greeted with the likes of "Basilisk" or "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" remind me to rip my own eyes out, but not before cancelling my digital subscription.

If movie making techniques continue to go down the path that they're on, I can see myself being one of those bitter old-timers who just sits there yawning through every post 1997 movie, muttering "they sure don't make them like they used to" just to piss off whoever else is in the room at the time. But seriously...

...they don't.

But just to point out that every film making technique has its flaws if it is not treated with care and respect, here's a little scene from Jaws The Revenge that will leave you in hysterics.

Enjoy!

John Hughes' "Some Kind Of Wonderful"! S'alright!

I know I went on a major rant about what I refer to as the "Teen Wolf" syndrome in a post a few months back, claiming that it is the definitive example of 80's movie wankery where the subplot of the story revolves around the concept of a dim witted main character who is blind to the fact that he is the object of his best friends desires, all because he himself has designs on hooking up with a major league bitch who is certain to fuck him over at some point before the end of the film.

Perhaps I was a bit unfair to Teen Wolf, and this post is more of an ammendment than anything else because you can imagine my amazement when I finally got around to watching the John Hughes penned "Some Kind Of Wonderful"! Here is a movie that takes that exact theme, makes it the focal point of the entire story, leaves you with the taste of that predictable Hollywood ending in your mouth and yet somehow gets away with it.

Life ain't easy for Keith! He's ignorant and dumb, yet somehow still slightly arrogant!

To my unending astonishment, I actually really enjoyed it. Maybe there was a certain bias creeping in because I do like Eric Stoltz and Lea Thompson, and in all honesty, I've yet to see a John Hughes movie that I didn't at the very least like. It's pretty much lathered with all the traditional Hughes teen movie charm, and there's no denying that it's his work. I always find myself wondering when I watch his movies, if this was the way he lived during his teenage years. Did he base any of the characters off his own high school experiences...or did he create the stories based off a fantasy youth that he wished he had lead? Either way, the movies are very impactful, especially if you watch them for the first time as a teen yourself.

As far as the movie itself goes...it's everything that you'd expect and if you enjoy it, you'll do so in spite of yourself. If you take the subplot of Scott and Boof from Teen Wolf, and dip it in the "lets break down the class boundaries within our society" theme that lingered throughout Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles, baby you got a stew goin'...and that stew tastes a little something like "Some Kind Of Wonderful!"

Because that's what friendship means!

Once again, Hughes provides an early platform for showcasing the talents of a number of young actors who went on to achieve major stardom. Stoltz went on to appear in films such as Pulp Fiction and Two Days in The Valley, whereas Thompson (who had already been recongisable from her performance as Lorraine McFly in Back To The Future) would star in her own sitcom "Caroline in The City" in the late 90's! There's also an appearnace from Elias (Casey Jones) Koteas as a menacing skin head. What's not to like?

For the most part, it's pretty much recycled Hughes fare which doesn't quite rank up there with The Breakfast Club, or Sixteen Candles, and if the plot tests your patience, then rest assured that the performances within the film are enough to keep you more than thoroughly entertained.

It's miles better than St. Elmo's fucking fire!

500 Days of Summer? More like 95 minutes of Brilliance!

I just watched Marc Webb's magnificent "500 Days Of Summer" for the first time last night, and the movie was literally only playing for all of about six seconds before I knew that I was going to thoroughly enjoy it. The very first thought that came to mind was something along the lines of "now THIS is my kind of movie!" and it was pretty much directly prompted by this little gem of a note at the beginning from the author!

"The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Especially you Jenny Beckman.

Bitch."

Perhaps one of the most welcome and endearing aspects of this quirky film is the fact that right from the outset, it is made perfectly clear that it does not have that traditional bullshit Hollywood ending that even the most enthusiastic movie fan has long since become jaded with. If nothing else, that alone serves to make it stand out from the contemporary rom-com crowd. Fortunately, however, there are many other (sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant) differences between this and your average romantic comedy. I can't exactly pin-point the specific characterisitics of the film that caused me to enjoy it so much...but all I can remember thinking through the entire 95 minute running time is that I never wanted it to end...and there honestly aren't very many movies out there that I've ever felt that way about. In fact usually it's quite the opposite. I'm often left thinking "this is good and all, but why is it two and a half hours long? I've desperately needed a piss for the last 20 minutes!"

I could sit here and attempt to analyse the film for hours on-end, but the simple fact of the matter is that it struck a chord with me, and for that reason, if no other, I feel like the movie will always be one of my favourites. With all the grace of a condor, it has literally and effortlessly swooped it's way into my top 10 movies of all time.

I think another thing that makes this little gem stand out from the crowd is the honesty in the scriptwriting. Maybe I mis-read it, or maybe I picked it up exactly the way the writer's intended it, but to me it seemed that there was nothing to confirm that either of the characters were at fault for the untimely demise of their relationship. Yeah at first you do believe that Summer (Zooey Deschanel) is to blame because she is introduced as being this cold, calculating, heartless wench...but then mere moments later, Tom (Joseph- Gordon Levitt) comes across as a jerk during an unrelentingly honest discussion with a blind date about whether or not Summer was in the wrong to end their relationship. This goes back and forth a few times to really remind us that there are two sides to every story..or rather sometimes there are three...His, hers and the truth!

The simple fact of the matter is, I'm sure that almost anyone out there who ever decides to watch this movie will be able to relate to it in some way (most likely in a big way), as I'm fairly certain that about 99% of us have found ourselves, at least once, in the position of Tom and/or Summer, and sometimes it will probably surprise you, just how much you see of yourself in the character you feel you can relate to most! I mean, we've all been here...

Only to find ourselves here shortly thereafter...

I remember reading the synopsis on the back of the dvd case for Cameron Crowe's "Singles" from 1992, which suggested that it is a movie "for anyone who's ever walked through the minefield called dating...and on occasion been blown up!" I can honestly say that since I've seen "500 Days of Summer", the torch has well and truly been passed, and THIS is now that movie, well, as far as this cat's concerned anyway.

Do yourself a favour, and go watch it if you've not seen it already.

Tomorrow's World!

I was looking at the television guide the other day out of sheer morbid curiosity, just to satisfy myself that I had made the right decision in stopping myself from watching any of the current serials that air in syndication around the world. The last television programme that I watched from start to finish was Boston Legal (2004 - 2008). It's so hard to commit to anything on television these days what with the likes of the buttfuckery of Glee, Desperate Housewives and The Big Bang Theory dominating the airwaves...and don't even get me started on the likes of 90210 or that pseudo-reality television shite "Jersey Shore".

Gone are the days of quirky television...where shows didn't necessarily have to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society. Where are the Frasier's, and the Denny Crane's of today's television? There are simply NO iconic characters out there at the moment, and with that being the case, what's the point in watching?

Occasionally looking through your tv guide, or even just by watching tv itself and noticing how bad it has become, your mind often wanders to the days when television used to excite you. Your mind is cast back to memories of shows that you thought you had forgotten. Shows that you would beg, borrow and steal to see back on the air just as an alternative to the contemporary shit that we are now force fed 24/7.

Admittedly, I had a soft spot for those early 90's teen angst drama's like the original 90210 or Party of Five (did nay really care for the likes of Dawson's Creek though), but just yesterday I was reminded of a show that was a little bit quirky, if not completely ridiculous (but it was the good kind of ridiculous). T'was a little program called "Early Edition"...you don't remember it you say? Allow me to summarise...

I can't really remember the specifics of certain episodes, but I do vividly remember watching this poor bastard risk life and limb in order to stop your run of the mill disasters from occuring. You know, piano's falling out of windows onto inoccent passers by, the odd train crash and fire, the usual like. It always astounded me that the character of Gary never really attempted to manipulate that whole "getting tomorrow's paper today" thing and use it to his advantage. He was a stock broker by trade...he could have cleaned up if he really wanted to...even if he treated himself and did the lottery once you'd think that'd be a just reward for going out of your way to save the lives of hundreds of complete and utter strangers. I know one guy who wouldn't be quite so selfless.

Give me a sports almanac any day of the week

This show makes you wonder what exactly you would do if you were in Hobson's position. You know full well what you'd do don't you? You'd milk it for everything it was worth and then donate the odd portion to charity just to quench your guilt. In fact, if I'm honest, I'd probably even try and sell that fucking cat that always used to show up with the paper for no apparent reason. Extra few quid in the pocket. Nice!

Streets of Hilarity!

Following my article earlier in the week looking back upon the Sega fuelled existance that was my childhood, I decided to write a few notes about the things that always amused me about one game in particular, and by game I mean franchise, because each game was as funny as the last. I'm talking of course about the epic win that is "Streets of Rage"!

Not for the feint of heart, Streets of Rage tells the story of a bunch of (more or less) vigilante's who decide to take it upon themselves to hunt down and destroy an entire band of criminals one by one by fucking one. And that is where the hilarity begins. Not only are we to believe that these three punks are capable of taking down organised crime with their bare hands, but we also discover that the characters in question are supposed to be teenagers. So essentially, it's a glorified video game of "Home Alone" with the gore amped way up.

More chortles are on offer in the form of phone booths that (once smashed to shit) offer goodies such as:

a piece of broken glass and other stabbing implements

a lead pipe

a beer bottle

or my personal favourite, edible goodies in the form of large apples or the occasional fully rolled and boned turkey.

And then I was all like "POW, LEAD PIPE TO THE FACE!"

The knives are the best, because not only do you look ridiculous when carrying them, but they also make this unmerciful sound like someone being battered with a plank of wood when you stab the bad guys. Not only that, but the characters who are knifed, leap back with a great deal of theatrics (a la professional wrestling) upon being attacked. And as if all of this weren't brilliant enough, when the bad guys get their hands on a knife, woe betide anyone who stands in their way...literally. They don't so much thrust the knife forward in a traditional stabbing motion, as much as walk forward holding said knife in front of them in the hopes that someone walks directly into their path. It's genius!

Another priceless little feature is the recurring characters. For example, you may encounter the same poor bastard about eight or nine times betwix the beginning and end of any one level. It really makes you admire one's persinstance. For example, you may beat the scuttering shit out of "Donovan" or "Slag" and leave him laying on his back, only for him to get back up, dust himself off, and attempt to attack you again about thirty seconds later...In fact, it is not uncommon for two or even three Donovan's to appear on screen together at once.

the many faces of Donovan

Another classic bit of comedy is the fact that when the going gets tough, you have a direct line to the fuzz who show up in a car (keeping a safe distance, mind) and fuck shit up with a bazooka. They absolutely nuke the scene and destroy whichever bad guys are causing you distress, unless of course it's a boss, in which case they cause him a minor inconvenience and then he continues to pound the shit out of you in an even more visceral manner than before.

VROOOOOM! Nice approach!

Aim could use some work...look, you even missed Slag and he's lying down.

The thing that I love the most is the fact that, if these teenagers have a direct line to the cops, then that means the police clearly know what they're up to...and obviously in no way disapprove... In fact it looks as though they're happy to let the stupid little bastards do the hard work for them. Classic, classic, classic.

Hedgehog With Attitude!

Remember the days? The days when THIS sound used to brighten your day regardless of the circumstance?!

If you were one of the kids of the 90s who had the luxury of growing up with a Sega Mega Drive in your house, you'll know what I mean when I talk about "Sega Nostalgia!" We were spoiled with the choice of games, such as the epic "Fifa 90", the chain swingin' "Road Rash", and "Bubsy" the bobcat along with sooo many others. Along with this privelige of owning a sega, came a certain degree of loyalty to the product too. It seems as though most of us with a Mega Drive in our posession, were often less likely to acknowledge the brilliance of Nintendo and their respected counterparts to everything that Sega had on offer. But to be honest, looking back on it now with more objective adult eyes, I still think Sega were on to a winner with the Mega Drive. It was hands down better than the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and it seems clear that the only reason that Nintendo won the battle between the two in the end was because of Sega's repeated "Dropping the ball" when it came to future consoles like the Saturn and the Dreamcast.

Fair enough, the SNES had Mario Kart, Mario All Stars, Mario Tennis and...uh...all those other fucking Mario spin-off's...but then on the other end of the spectrum, Sega were offering Streets of Rage, Golden Axe, Earthworm Jim and a whole mess of other shit that was just awesome at the time. The graphics looked dynamic, the gameplay was fun and for the most part the games were a hell of a lot more violent (and as such, fun) than the toddler friendly SNES games.

Dogpiling was common in "Streets of Rage", as was shooting, blowing shit up, random stabbings, and the police fucking shit up with a bazooka...which begs the question, "Why do the teenage characters need to be doing this to begin with?"

I remember whenever we were playing 2 player "Golden Axe", none of my mates (me included) wanted to play as the girl, and therefore, more often than I care to remember, there were arguments over who would get to play as "Santa"...Santa of course referring to the little white bearded Viking character who's only resemblence to jolly old Saint Nick was said white beard.

I guess he COULD be Santa...maybe...it is quite polite the way he chooses to bash the bad guy over the head with the butt of the axe as opposed to decapitating him with it ...Wouldn't want to make his naughty list regardless.

Now to be fair, not all the games were great...in fact a lot of them were absolute pants to put it mildly. Games like "Greendog", and "Daffy Duck in Hollywood" had no business sharing the same sacred console as the games mentioned above. Even this game was fucking legendary compared to the likes of Greendog!

Hold B and Backwards and you could even do the fucking moonwalk! No joke! This game was pure win!

But the thing that MADE Sega for me, the absolute be all, end all...the one thing that really made Sega stand out from the Nintendo, was Sonic The Hedgehog. In fact, the very first time that I was ever even sat down in front of a games console, this was the very frist image I saw.

I was mesmerised. There was no way anything other than Sonic the Hedgehog was going to occupy my every thought for the next coupole of years. I absolutely adored all things Sonic, including every conceivable cash-in they could think of. From the toys to the bed sheets, to the awful, but memorable cartoons. In fact I remember really liking the really colourful one more than the darker themed one that seemed to run simultaneously, but I do remember liking the theme song from the darker show better. Remember these?

Anyway, times change, and so do people... but this little guy will always represent some truly fond memories for me, and I went ahead and downloaded Sonic 4 for the XBOX 360 recently just for shits and giggles...turns out, it's nay half bad. Pretty much back to basics for Sega! A teeny, tiny step in the right direction.

Craven Knows What He's Doing

One of the first horror movies that I remember seeing as a kid, long before I had even heard of The Evil Dead, Sam Raimi or George A. Romero was "Scream" and the film was so witty and satirical that it briefly ignited a personal teenage fondness for the "slasher" genre. I admittedly believed that Wes Craven was the be all, end all as far as horror director's go. Looking back through the years, he's been responsible for some of the most outstanding franshise's to date. You've got your "Nightmare on Elm Street", your "New Nightmare" and of course your "Scream".

Obviously they're not all great...you can't make seven or eight films in a franchise and expect them all to be good. In fact, come to think of it...some of them aren't even passable...And it seems to be a common occurence in the Hollywood of today, that the almighty dollar has caused these film creators to milk these franchises for everything they're worth. No greater example than the saw franchise. First one's great. Nothing short of creative genius. But the fact that they made six more of them, each only a year apart and each being released on Halloween means that the series has well and truly jumped the shark. I guess it was the same back in the 80's/90's with all those dreadful Elm Street sequels. But I'll tell you this much, give me any one of those shitty sequels over this "reboot" business any day of the week.

I'd honestly rather watch this than some bastardised version of the original

So far in the last decade, we've seen reboots of A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Amityville Horror, Prom Night, Dawn Of The Dead...the list is f**king endless. And just when you think you've lost all faith in Hollywood, just when you think they've hit rock bottom...somebody throws them a shovel in the form of a formerly great director that for some reason decides to sign off on the idea of their creation being royally butt f**ked by some other clown shoes wearing, wet behind the ears director. If I were a writer/director who created a beloved franchise, do you think for one second that I would allow someone like Rob Zombie to get his grubby little mitts all over it? Not a chance. I'd rather eat my own face.

This is exactly why I was all sorts of sceptical about this "Scream 4" (or "Scre4m" for all the cool kids out there)...It was marketed as some sort of a mash-up between sequel and reboot, which is all kinds of disconcerting. It was also announced that Neve Campbell, David Arquette and Courteney Cox would all reprise their roles, but that they would not necessarily be the focal point of this movie, because the intention was to set the scene for a new trilogy...presumably then, with an all new cast. That pissed me off first and foremost because Sidney Prescott (Campbell) is the entire focal point of those movies. She IS the franchise, Without Sidney, there is no Scream. It just wouldn't be interesting...nor would it make sense. She is to Scream, what Ripley is to Alien, or what Ash is to Evil Dead. Admittedly Cox and Arquette's characters are expendable...you really only need Sydney in order for the franchise to continue...but they're all just so damn popular, fans just would not like to envisage a scenario where the series continues without any of them, and that's a fact.

The only saving grace in the build up to this movie being made was the discovery that Wes Craven would be returning to the directors chair. Fans of the series immediately breathed a collective sigh of relief, taking solace in the fact that at least he would know how to do the movie right. And that he did. Surprisingly, the marketing all seemed to be very deceptive as the movie is thankfully still mainly focused on Sidney and co. with the rest of the blazé and frankly uninteresting characters taking a back seat. Without giving too much away, there is absolutely nothing here to indicate that fans of the series will not be thoroughly entertained. You will undoubtedly leave the auditorium feeling satisfied and grateful that finally Hollywood got a sequel right. It's no masterpiece, don;t get me wrong...but it is what it is...and it's thoroughly entertaining to boot. As darkly funny and satirical as the original, and often times even coming across as a parody of itself, this movie is exactly what it should have been, and everything that it could have been. It just makes you grateful that the town of "Woodsboro" is a ficitonal place, because it seems to be a breeding ground for the most psychotic individuals you'd be likely to encounter.

The thing that I find most bothersome about the fact that Wes Craven obviously knows exactly what he's doing, is that there are other directors, that I once held in equally high esteem who are not making the same wise decisions. There has been talk for years about whether or not Sam Raimi was going to go ahead and make the much anticipated Evil Dead 4, or whether he was just going to sign off on a remake of the original. For a while there it seemed as if he was leaning towards the latter, but apparently an aggressive, visceral outcry from fans lead to him rejecting that idea...but it turns out that he has recently gone ahead and decided that the remake is more or less a certainty, despite the fact that according to him, Evil Dead 4 is already in the process of being written?!? F**king nonsense. Why would you do a remake AND a sequel? Are you trying to divide audiences? Or do you think it would be clever to win back the legions of fans of the original by making the epic, big budget sequel that they've been dreaming of, all the while drawing in a new audience of twilight-emo-wankers with your new age, bastardised version of the original? I can understand remakes of movies to an extent, for example if the substance of the story is good, but the techniques through which the story was told appears dated...but this is simply not the case with The Evil Dead. It's as gorey and shocking today as it was in 1982. Simply put...NO...REMAKE...NECESSARY!

Would you pay money to see this kind of shit? Didn't think so!

I honestly enjoyed Scream 4 an awful lot more than I thought I would because it was done right, but I flat out refuse to entertain, or even acknowledge the idea of going to see an Evil Dead remake with this little emo shit, or any of his modern chronies involved.

Mario Kart: Severing friendships since 1992

(Note: To induce the rage generally caused by Mario Kart, in order to help you fully appreciate this article it is recommended that you play this music in the background as you read. Of course, if you are easily riled or are of an otherwise "nervous" disposition and are likely to harm yourself and/or others upon listening to it again, playing this track is not recommended.)

It was a great era for gaming, the early 90's...it pretty much saw household gaming revolutionised, as people tended to move away from their ATARI home entertainment system's or Commadore 64's in favour of what would be the next generation of gaming...The Sega Mega Drive and The Super Nintendo Entertainment System. This era has given us some of the most beloved characters the world has ever seen in any medium, with Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario in particular standing head and shoulders above the rest. Along with these characters came multiple sequels and spin-off's to their games, one of the most popular of these is the Mario Kart franchise. Great concept in all fairness:-fat, slow-ass slob Mario can't be arsed pursuing his adventures on foot anymore so instead decides to travel by Go-Kart. But what's this?

All his mates are in on it too. Oh joy, the fun will never end...but look, that's not all...Mario, backstabbing prick that he is, has decided to invite Bowser, his mortal enemy along to join in the fun and frolics... This heartless son of a bitch has been responsible for the kidnapping of Mario's missus on umpteen different occasions, putting the heroic plumber through hell and literal high water in order to win her back,and he has been invited to join in the fun and frolics. Either Mario goes above and beyond being the "forgiving" sort, or he's the dumbest son of a bitch you'll ever see.

Putting the logistics of that scenario aside for the time being...let's talk about the gameplay itself shall we? First off, you can forget your Guitar Hero's and Rock Bands or any of that nonsense...Mario Kart through the years has consistantly been the most enjoyable and equally the most beloved party game of all time, with a new generation of the game being made for each new nintendo console. The thing that makes this game so much more fun and interesting than any other generic racing game is the outside variable which I like to refer to as the "mystery boxes".

For the uninitiated, these boxes have the direct ability to dictate how you will perform in any given race. Generally, you will expereince a mixed bag of emotions while picking up your mystery boxes. You take the good with the bad and generally you will pick up boxes that are both a help and a hinderance during the course of the race...it's cyclical for the most part, but the thing about these boxes is that more than anything else, they seem to be designed to favour everyone in the race with the exception of the driver in first place. In fact, not only do these boxes not favour the person in first place, but it seems as if the entire "mystery box" system was created with the sole purpose of absolutely annihilating the person in first place. If you are in first place and you pick up one of those boxes you generally receive a handful of banana skins for your troubles...great, lets leave them out on the track shall we, and hope against hope that the drivers coming up from behind are so idiotic that they slip on these giant, glowing banana peels.

Not only that, but sometimes the mystery box will directly screw you over if you are fortunate enough to find yourself in first place. Things are going great...one more lap to go, and then BAM...this f**king thing appears on your screen!

"That's all I need", you think to yourself as the lightning strikes you, temporarily makes you about six times smaller than the other racers and slows your speed considerably for good measure. Thanks a lot cloud, you douchebag!

Contrary to this, if you find yourself in last place for the majority of the race, which happens to the best of us from time to time, the boxes will try their very best to do as much work for you as possible and put you back in the race, at least making you look like a possible threat to the other drivers...even if you know it's bullshit.
This little gem, which they brought in for the Wii edition of Mario Kart is absolutely astonishing. Racer is in last place. Racer Grabs Box. Racer turns into giant bullet with a face. Racer mauls his way through about six other racers, exploding them in the process, and as racer comes to a slow halt, racer finds another box. Racer turns into bullet and the process repeats itself.

And lastly on the subject of this wonderful, yet equally frustrating game, is the tension that it creates among friends when you play in a group. Alliances are formed, and quickly severed. Otherwise non-competative people show a different side to their personalities, and failed shortcut attempts cause unnecessary lashing out in an attempt to pass the buck.

"Goddamit Alex, now I fell off the edge! This is all your fault!"

"How could that possibly be all my fault, I'm not even playing?"

"You told me to take the shortcut...you knew this would happen...You're off the team"

This tension is particularly evident when you and one of your friends are duking it out for first place just in front of the finish line. Those duels can be very intense, and the room often goes eerily quiet. Suddenly winning is the most important thing in the world. You owe it to yourself to win, or you're not allowed to have any dinner...that's what you tell yourself as you inch past Bowser who is being controlled by your best mate. It's in the bag...but wait...What's this alarm sound...Oh look, it's a blue shell that Donkey "Sneak Attack" Kong has thrown from about four places back. It blows you to shit, f**ks your mate over too, just because he happened to be next to ya...and the seemingly braindead DK saunters past you for the win with that Steve Guttenberg-esque grin on his face!

In closing, it's a great game to play with people, just expect some cold silences in the room after certain/all races, and try not to let the game obliterate your faith in logic, justice and what's right and wrong.

The "Boof" Effect

Walking home from the shop yesterday, I saw a bunch of whipper snappers cycling their bikes and talking about the usual nonsense that young teens tend to talk about. "Here bye's (bye's being the phonetic spelling of "boys" because it seems to be a more and more common occurance that young people in Kildare just aren't arsed taking the time to properly pronounce their words) jaknow what'd be gaaas? If we were to start calling each other by our second names!" "That'd be legendary" responds one of the lads..."Grand...so what's your second name?" says the first. "Ian" says the second...Cue prolonged silence..."Whaaa?" says the first. The moment that both lads realised that the second chap had misinterpreted and clearly mentioned his middle name was like something out of a sitcom! Their eyes widened, their jaws dropped, the second lad hung his head in shame while the first took full advantage of his mate's stupid mistake and went "Nooooo ye sap.....what's yer surname?"

Although I found all of this relatively humorous, I was particularly tickled by the fact that one of the lads was on a bike that was clearly intended for a child about three or four years his junior. It is not one little bit of an exaggeration to say he looked utterly ridiculous. To put it in perspective, he looked like an orange on a toothpick with hula hoops for wheels, and the bike was literally crumbling under the weight of this chap...The fact that the bike kept grinding to a halt and making this unmerciful sound  as the chain popped on and off should've been a sign that the kid needs to either kick the cycling habit until he can afford another bike, one more suited to anyone other than a newborn, or he should just kick the habit completely.

The reason I find all of this humorous is because it reminded me of all the blissful ignorance that we exhibit as children...of course the fact that he was far too hefty to be cycling a bike of that size was not the reason the bike was literally crumbling under the pressure.  Well, at least, not in his mind...No, no...the reason the bike was failing was because it is a "hape o' shoite!" It's just one of the many things that you fool yourself about when you're a kid. Other common themes are things like "I ate enough vegetables, I'm full...but I will have ice cream though." and "they who smelled it dealt it!".

Yet, for all the nonsense that we spouted as kids, there were always those little things that we noticed about life that was probably astounding for wee people of our intellectual capacity. One of those things that I noticed as a youngster, that pisses me off to this day as much as it did back then is a little something that I like to call "The Boof Effect".

You'd be watching a tv show or a movie, right? and the main character would be infatuated with this "larger than life" and  "hot as fuck" character, with a view to bedding this individual at some point before the story draws to a close. Co-inciding with this, there'd always be this jealous ass best friend who'd be watching the main character slip away from them as they sit idle and watch the whole story unfold before their very eyes. I take issue with so many things of this nature that it actually brings my piss to a boil. For a start, this "best friend" would always, always have a storied past witht the main character, often dating back to childhood or whatever...and secondly, you actually become one of those stereotypical movie ruin-ers  (of the "Don't go in there girl...the killer be waitin' for ya!" variety!) who shout incessantly at the screen in a crowded auditorium, simply because the best friend is always itching to say something, but never-ever does...it's perposterous.

The one thing that really chaps my ass about this topic though (and this is a real big one), is the fact that this best friend, who'd you presume is an epic fucking loser of Biblical proportions, is in fact not...They're just not. In fact, they're quite the opposite. Despite being intelligent, funny and having this magnificent rapore with the main character, the idiot hero is always blissfully ignorant of the fact that the perfect girl is standing right next to him, as he is presumably blinded by his pursuit of the other "hot chick" who...more often that not, turns out to be an epic bitch of Lindsay Lohan proportions. All this, coupled with the fact that the best friend is generally drop dead gorgeous leaves you in ruination by the end of the film as you end up hating the main character for wasting an hour and a half of your life becasue he didn't cop it from the beginning. The best example of this that I noticed from childhood, was "Boof", the best mate of Michael J Fox's character in Teen Wolf. That movie literally ticks all the boxes mentioned above. Hot best friend - check...Ignorant shit of a main character - check...Promising hot girl who turns out to be an unbelievable slag - check...

Loss of self-respect and respect for others as well as mankind in general upon seeing it - check...

Cyanide capsules at the ready in case you ever find yourself sitting through a similarly themed movie again... You better bulleeee that's a check!


Here's the Boof Effect in full swing

Comments on the Tube!

I remember logging onto youtube for the first time in 2005 and thinking "man, this is the future"...the concept alone blew me away, people could put videos on the internet and share them with the world at the click of a button. Now, it's important to acknowledge that the entire landscape of youtube was different back in those embryonic days...there was probably only a few hundred thousand videos on it at the time, and many of them were mainly just from people uploading entire episodes of programmes, or even feature films. Another important aspect in highlighting the differences between the youtube of yesteryear and it's modern counterpart is the fact that there was no 10 minute time limit on uploads.

If you were a casual internet surfer with an hour and a half to spare, you could simply head to youtube, not sign in to any account, and watch full movies to your heart's content. It was magical...But I genuinely didn't think that it would take off the way it did. In it's current form, youtube hosts billions of videos, and has many hundreds of millions of registered users, and with this being the case, a new "easy access" culture seems to have been created in which we can visit this website and be guaranteed a laugh, a story, or at the very least an illegal streaming of a television programme. Over the years, youtube has provided us with some of the funniest videos you'll probably ever see, created new celebrities, and pretty much granted any of us with a camera and a computer a forum for showcasing our talents.

But one thing that youtube has given us which is just worth so much more than any of these things, is the voice that it has granted to the "haters" of this world, who like nothing more than to place these non-constructive, spiteful, malicious and often times downright hilarious comments on strangers videos! I've often clicked onto a video and was far more entertained by the comments underneath than I was by the video itself! It once again goes to show you that people are bastards...funny bastards...but bastards all the same!

 Fridee, Fridee, Fridee!

This woeful song is one of the most "disliked" videos  that youtube has ever seen, yet it's also one of the most watched...so who exactly wins here? Rebecca Black quickly becomes one of the most despised people on the planet, but becomes rich as all hell in the process. The song is shit, the lyrics are shit...you better believe the video is shit...but the comments... ah the comments:-

"That would rip yer fucking knittin!!"

 "It's fried eggs fried eggs fried eggs!!!"

"LENNON, MOZART AND BEETHOVEN ARE STOOD UPRIGHT IN THEIR GRAVES AND APPLAUDING THIS, THE GREATEST SONG IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE!"


"this shit suck" - I especially love these one's where the person (most likely delusional from overexposure to this utter bollocks) just cannot be arsed putting their dislike into a proper sentence.


"Because of this song... I think I'll just start looking forward to Thursday."

"yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards" - Lyrical Genius, Rebecca Black.

"I cannot believe 91,212 of you idiot's liked this. I hope it's worth it, because I am going to personally shit on each and every one of you!"


 Another great little habit of youtube comment leavers' these days is to make a comment directly related to the video, but in reference to the amount of dislikes the video has received! For example this video of a scene from Army Of Darkness is re-jigged into a very odd song which features the lyrics "alright you prmitive screwheads, listen up"


One of the highest rated comments underneath is "18 people are primitive screwheads" of course referring to the 18 people who chose to dislike the video...it's very topical and although there are much more witty (sometimes even hysterical) examples of it on other videos, it's definitely something to keep your eye out for...especially if it's an in-joke for fans of whatever the video may be. It really goes down a treat!

 Another very popular video is this clip of Justin Bieber making an arse out of himself on some New Zealand TV show. Yes it's priceless, and yes it's an epic fail...but the comments are so impossibly harsh...funny as all hell though!

"justin..a door is important for every house...true or false?
whats a door? we dont say that in america."

Go forth and watch as many videos as you can. all the while keeping an eye out for those comments that just may reduce you to tears with laughter!

People are Bastards!!!!!!

First of all, allow me to preface this by saying...if you are the dickless piece of shit that attempted to "egg" me through the window of a speeding car on the Ballymount road yesterday, I neither forgive you, nor will I tolerate this kind of bullshit henceforth. You sir/madam/sirs comprise a largely expanding group that us "normies" like to refer to as "the scum of the fucking earth"! And, as the scum of the earth, I understand that you probably feel there is some sort of obligation on you to act accordingly. There isn't. People can tell who you are and what you're about generally just by looking at you (the trackies tucked into the socks, or in the case of a woman, wearing your pyjamas out on the street is generally a dead give away), and as such do not need to see your resoume of fucking delinquancy put on display.

Maybe it's harsh to paint all those trackie wearing codgers with the same brush...obviously there are certain instances where tucking your trousers into your socks becomes acceptable (when people are riding a bike to work on a wet day for example), it doesn't make it any less ridiculous to look at though. But that's just a pet peeve of mine. I can generally forgive that ridiculous sense of "style" so long as it's not accompanied by behaviour that would generally be regarded as "ill-fitting" for any fully functioning person. You know the type of behaviour...walking with some kind of a slouch or hunch, generally weaving from left to right while walking the street, either deliberately in order to disrupt the walking pattern of those who prefer the "as the crow flies" route, or unintentionally as a result of the severe intoxication they are experiencing, spitting every few yards is commonplace, and if you were unsure about the person's scumbag tendencies (because obviously some of them only display two out of the four aforementioned characteristics), just listen to the voice when they encounter someone that they recognise on the street.

The ultimate dead giveaway for these unsavoury characters is if they start a sentence with one of the two following words, the first being "story", but not pronounced that way...it sounds something more along the lines of "Staaaarrrrryyyy?!?" and I believe it is an abbreviation of "what's the story?" The second of course being "fuckin'"... now I know part of being Irish means that when you stall to think of what you're going to say next you generally might throw in the odd "fuckin'" just to break what would otherwise have been a prolonged silence...but there is no logistical reason for beginning a sentence, let alone a conversation with the word..."fuckiiiinnnnn'". If you begin a sentence with that word, there's no hope for you as a person. If you see someone you know, and the first word you think of is anything other than "Hello", or some derivative of it, then you're a Grade - A no-hoper!

Now, onto this egg throwing business! That was the first time that I've ever been even vaguely grazed by a projectile egg, although I've seen it occur far more often than I'd like to admit. It seems to be the staple of juvenile delinquancy in this country. I'm sure most of us have either seen some poor bastard nailed with an egg from a passing car once or twice in our time, if not expereinced it ourselves. Now, generally laughing at someone else's misfortune can be comforting and therapeutic (that's probably why show's like "You've Been Framed" are so damn popular), but when it's an egg out of a car, I don't know about you, but the fact that the poor bastard's clothes are generally destroyed, coupled with the fact that the little shit who threw it is either some unemployed, worthless piece of shit, who probably spent his last 70c on the box of eggs, or a 17 year old dipshit who needs his nose broken, and the wheels ripped off his car, really brings my piss to a boil. Either way, there's no doubt that the people involved need their ass handed to them.

This country is sinking into a slump, and something needs to be done about it. We've all heard those lists about the most dangerous places to live in the world, and Ireland never really even ranked close to the top of the list. But in the last few years I've known friends who were mugged, burgled, and just plain inconvenienced by the absolutle scum that seems to be ptrolling our streets these days, and it's at a point now where you can't even walk around a corner without encountering one or more of these unsavoury characters. I know people who've lived abroad, and I've even visited some of those "dodgy" places on the list of dodgy places. It seems to be generally understood, by the upstanding Irish citizens at least, that these places don't even come close to Ireland in terms of the scum you encounter on a daily basis!

Just some food for thought!

An Lá Tar Éis Lá Fhéile Pádraig

Its' magnificent, isn't it? Celebrating a holiday that we all know in our hearts shouldn't really be a "holiday" in the true sense of the word. It's vintage Irish to shut down the banks and schools for a day at the drop of a hat really, and why would St.Patrick's Day be any exception? In the midst of the worst economic depression the country has ever seen, certainly since the emergence of Éire as a free state at least, it is nice to have something, anything to cling onto to remind people of that sense of patriotism and pride that they used to take in their country 365 days a year. It's easy to see why people wouldn't exactly feel "proud" of being Irish as of late, what with the banking crisis, the IMF bailout, and the fact that the country has now surpassed a 17% unemployment rate!

But yet, amidst all the buttfuckery and the bullshit that people have been forced to endure in this increasingly disappointing country, that one day of the year, March 17th reminds people that Ireland used to be known for something else, something far greater and far more respectable than being regarded worldwide as economic clowns and failures. We used to be drinkers...and not just any drinkers...Dammit we were the best! It's nice to be the best at something, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to those unfortunate people on the outside looking in! Because when you're the best at something, everybody wants a piece of your shit! And that phrase has never rung more true than it does when applied to St. Patricks Day! The festivities are celebrated in various countries around the globe, where everyone likes to think that they can step up to the plate and be Irish for a day! It's like there's about 4 billion people out there collectively saying "Hey Ireland, look...we can drink like we don't give a shit too!"

Of course we laugh at this and say "That's all well and good one day out of the year you posers, but we're rockin' that lifestyle 365 motha f**ka's...and you wouldn't last five minutes in our world!"

This is evident the very day after St.Patrick's Day...March 18th...the day that the world share's a collective hangover, spends a few hours hating themselves, hating Guinness, and hating us Irish in particular for existing in the first place...Fortunately all of that subsides with plenty of time to spare before the next Paddy's Day roll's around, in which case history repeats itself, and we universally fall off the wagon all over again.

I think something else that needs to be acknowledged is the hangover that Dublin experiences after the event every year, and I'm not talking about the natives...I'm referring to the physical place itself. The streets are strewn with the remains of what were once beautiful green banners, balloons, streamers and flags which are now mashed into the ground along with a dastardly concotion of piss, shit, vomit and many other disgusting sights of that nature. The endless ocean of bodies and casualties that are sprawled out across every street must be enough to enduce a flashback for any Vietnam war vet who may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder...Not a pretty sight. It's safe to say that on this one day, if on no other, the town looks just as wretched, if not more so than it's hungover inhabitants.

But the fact of the matter is, even though it's celebrating a man who banished snakes from an allegedly already snake-free environment, a man who (if he did banish these snakes) has cost us an annual celebration that sounds equally as enjoyable known as "whacking day", St.Patrick is about the only thing that is reminding Irish people, and the rest of the world, that for at least one day out of the year we should wear our tri-colours with pride and stick that middle finger up to the rest of the world and say" Fuck yeah, I'm Irish"...which is quite nice of him really when you think about it, considering he's Welsh!