Walking home from the shop yesterday, I saw a bunch of whipper snappers cycling their bikes and talking about the usual nonsense that young teens tend to talk about. "Here bye's (bye's being the phonetic spelling of "boys" because it seems to be a more and more common occurance that young people in Kildare just aren't arsed taking the time to properly pronounce their words) jaknow what'd be gaaas? If we were to start calling each other by our second names!" "That'd be legendary" responds one of the lads..."Grand...so what's your second name?" says the first. "Ian" says the second...Cue prolonged silence..."Whaaa?" says the first. The moment that both lads realised that the second chap had misinterpreted and clearly mentioned his middle name was like something out of a sitcom! Their eyes widened, their jaws dropped, the second lad hung his head in shame while the first took full advantage of his mate's stupid mistake and went "Nooooo ye sap.....what's yer surname?"
Although I found all of this relatively humorous, I was particularly tickled by the fact that one of the lads was on a bike that was clearly intended for a child about three or four years his junior. It is not one little bit of an exaggeration to say he looked utterly ridiculous. To put it in perspective, he looked like an orange on a toothpick with hula hoops for wheels, and the bike was literally crumbling under the weight of this chap...The fact that the bike kept grinding to a halt and making this unmerciful sound as the chain popped on and off should've been a sign that the kid needs to either kick the cycling habit until he can afford another bike, one more suited to anyone other than a newborn, or he should just kick the habit completely.
The reason I find all of this humorous is because it reminded me of all the blissful ignorance that we exhibit as children...of course the fact that he was far too hefty to be cycling a bike of that size was not the reason the bike was literally crumbling under the pressure. Well, at least, not in his mind...No, no...the reason the bike was failing was because it is a "hape o' shoite!" It's just one of the many things that you fool yourself about when you're a kid. Other common themes are things like "I ate enough vegetables, I'm full...but I will have ice cream though." and "they who smelled it dealt it!".
Yet, for all the nonsense that we spouted as kids, there were always those little things that we noticed about life that was probably astounding for wee people of our intellectual capacity. One of those things that I noticed as a youngster, that pisses me off to this day as much as it did back then is a little something that I like to call "The Boof Effect".
You'd be watching a tv show or a movie, right? and the main character would be infatuated with this "larger than life" and "hot as fuck" character, with a view to bedding this individual at some point before the story draws to a close. Co-inciding with this, there'd always be this jealous ass best friend who'd be watching the main character slip away from them as they sit idle and watch the whole story unfold before their very eyes. I take issue with so many things of this nature that it actually brings my piss to a boil. For a start, this "best friend" would always, always have a storied past witht the main character, often dating back to childhood or whatever...and secondly, you actually become one of those stereotypical movie ruin-ers (of the "Don't go in there girl...the killer be waitin' for ya!" variety!) who shout incessantly at the screen in a crowded auditorium, simply because the best friend is always itching to say something, but never-ever does...it's perposterous.
The one thing that really chaps my ass about this topic though (and this is a real big one), is the fact that this best friend, who'd you presume is an epic fucking loser of Biblical proportions, is in fact not...They're just not. In fact, they're quite the opposite. Despite being intelligent, funny and having this magnificent rapore with the main character, the idiot hero is always blissfully ignorant of the fact that the perfect girl is standing right next to him, as he is presumably blinded by his pursuit of the other "hot chick" who...more often that not, turns out to be an epic bitch of Lindsay Lohan proportions. All this, coupled with the fact that the best friend is generally drop dead gorgeous leaves you in ruination by the end of the film as you end up hating the main character for wasting an hour and a half of your life becasue he didn't cop it from the beginning. The best example of this that I noticed from childhood, was "Boof", the best mate of Michael J Fox's character in Teen Wolf. That movie literally ticks all the boxes mentioned above. Hot best friend - check...Ignorant shit of a main character - check...Promising hot girl who turns out to be an unbelievable slag - check...
Loss of self-respect and respect for others as well as mankind in general upon seeing it - check...
Cyanide capsules at the ready in case you ever find yourself sitting through a similarly themed movie again... You better bulleeee that's a check!
Here's the Boof Effect in full swing
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