Mario Kart: Severing friendships since 1992

(Note: To induce the rage generally caused by Mario Kart, in order to help you fully appreciate this article it is recommended that you play this music in the background as you read. Of course, if you are easily riled or are of an otherwise "nervous" disposition and are likely to harm yourself and/or others upon listening to it again, playing this track is not recommended.)

It was a great era for gaming, the early 90's...it pretty much saw household gaming revolutionised, as people tended to move away from their ATARI home entertainment system's or Commadore 64's in favour of what would be the next generation of gaming...The Sega Mega Drive and The Super Nintendo Entertainment System. This era has given us some of the most beloved characters the world has ever seen in any medium, with Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario in particular standing head and shoulders above the rest. Along with these characters came multiple sequels and spin-off's to their games, one of the most popular of these is the Mario Kart franchise. Great concept in all fairness:-fat, slow-ass slob Mario can't be arsed pursuing his adventures on foot anymore so instead decides to travel by Go-Kart. But what's this?

All his mates are in on it too. Oh joy, the fun will never end...but look, that's not all...Mario, backstabbing prick that he is, has decided to invite Bowser, his mortal enemy along to join in the fun and frolics... This heartless son of a bitch has been responsible for the kidnapping of Mario's missus on umpteen different occasions, putting the heroic plumber through hell and literal high water in order to win her back,and he has been invited to join in the fun and frolics. Either Mario goes above and beyond being the "forgiving" sort, or he's the dumbest son of a bitch you'll ever see.

Putting the logistics of that scenario aside for the time being...let's talk about the gameplay itself shall we? First off, you can forget your Guitar Hero's and Rock Bands or any of that nonsense...Mario Kart through the years has consistantly been the most enjoyable and equally the most beloved party game of all time, with a new generation of the game being made for each new nintendo console. The thing that makes this game so much more fun and interesting than any other generic racing game is the outside variable which I like to refer to as the "mystery boxes".

For the uninitiated, these boxes have the direct ability to dictate how you will perform in any given race. Generally, you will expereince a mixed bag of emotions while picking up your mystery boxes. You take the good with the bad and generally you will pick up boxes that are both a help and a hinderance during the course of the race...it's cyclical for the most part, but the thing about these boxes is that more than anything else, they seem to be designed to favour everyone in the race with the exception of the driver in first place. In fact, not only do these boxes not favour the person in first place, but it seems as if the entire "mystery box" system was created with the sole purpose of absolutely annihilating the person in first place. If you are in first place and you pick up one of those boxes you generally receive a handful of banana skins for your troubles...great, lets leave them out on the track shall we, and hope against hope that the drivers coming up from behind are so idiotic that they slip on these giant, glowing banana peels.

Not only that, but sometimes the mystery box will directly screw you over if you are fortunate enough to find yourself in first place. Things are going great...one more lap to go, and then BAM...this f**king thing appears on your screen!

"That's all I need", you think to yourself as the lightning strikes you, temporarily makes you about six times smaller than the other racers and slows your speed considerably for good measure. Thanks a lot cloud, you douchebag!

Contrary to this, if you find yourself in last place for the majority of the race, which happens to the best of us from time to time, the boxes will try their very best to do as much work for you as possible and put you back in the race, at least making you look like a possible threat to the other drivers...even if you know it's bullshit.
This little gem, which they brought in for the Wii edition of Mario Kart is absolutely astonishing. Racer is in last place. Racer Grabs Box. Racer turns into giant bullet with a face. Racer mauls his way through about six other racers, exploding them in the process, and as racer comes to a slow halt, racer finds another box. Racer turns into bullet and the process repeats itself.

And lastly on the subject of this wonderful, yet equally frustrating game, is the tension that it creates among friends when you play in a group. Alliances are formed, and quickly severed. Otherwise non-competative people show a different side to their personalities, and failed shortcut attempts cause unnecessary lashing out in an attempt to pass the buck.

"Goddamit Alex, now I fell off the edge! This is all your fault!"

"How could that possibly be all my fault, I'm not even playing?"

"You told me to take the shortcut...you knew this would happen...You're off the team"

This tension is particularly evident when you and one of your friends are duking it out for first place just in front of the finish line. Those duels can be very intense, and the room often goes eerily quiet. Suddenly winning is the most important thing in the world. You owe it to yourself to win, or you're not allowed to have any dinner...that's what you tell yourself as you inch past Bowser who is being controlled by your best mate. It's in the bag...but wait...What's this alarm sound...Oh look, it's a blue shell that Donkey "Sneak Attack" Kong has thrown from about four places back. It blows you to shit, f**ks your mate over too, just because he happened to be next to ya...and the seemingly braindead DK saunters past you for the win with that Steve Guttenberg-esque grin on his face!

In closing, it's a great game to play with people, just expect some cold silences in the room after certain/all races, and try not to let the game obliterate your faith in logic, justice and what's right and wrong.